Moving forward

Today, I can tell that I am doing better. I sang for the first time in three days. :) I even called my boss and told him that I am okay, thanked him for giving me the space to mourn, and that I am ready to work again. Meeting with people and interacting with them no longer feel as overwhelming. I will be going out to meet a friend for lunch in a couple of hours. I needed the last three days to be alone, to have the space to cry on and off rather than holding them in, and today, I feel like I can move forward. I feel as though I have had time to grieve the negative result. It failed and I can accept that.

But, I have not quite reached the stage of mourning concerning the news that we may not be able to achieve pregnancy with my eggs. I think I am still in a state of shock over that news. I still can't believe that we might not be able to have biological children. Perhaps the clomid challenge test in a month or so will provide another closure in this regard. Around that time, there probably will be another round of mourning and letting go.

At this stage, I am not ready to consider adoption or egg donorship. My initial reaction to all of them are “I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to have children that are half mine or someone else’s.” I could see how this could sound selfish, but that is where I am. I think before I can go to that place of grieving over another loss beyond a failed cycle, I need some time to let anger surface and go. It feels so unfair and yes, blah blah, life is unfair, but I don't like it that it is. I am not ready today to hear any stories about successful egg donor pregnancies, amazing adoption experiences, or whatever. But, maybe in a few weeks or a couple of months, I will be. Although I am not ready to go there now, I know that eventually I will be able to talk about it and hear different people’s advice and stories. Today, I am thankful and happy that I am singing again. :)

Paul and I have agreed that there is no need to be in a hurry (although sometimes I feel pressed for time due to our age). One day at a time and one healing at a time…