I have been thinking and praying a lot about adoption. In general, I feel really positive and excited at the possibility of having our kids this way. However, it also feels kind of scary and risky at times. Besides the general risks and benefits that come with having biological children, there are other potential complicated issues that come with adoption. For example, sometimes all the medical history of the child or the birth-mother is not known. Then, there is the delicate process of explaining to the child that he/she was adopted. I have no idea how a child would respond to this news. It probably differs depending on the child, the circumstance in which he/she was adopted, and the kind of relationship we have with him/her... The reality is that there are no guarantees even if we have biological children regarding health, emotional issues, and etc. But, there is that first nine months before birth and the critical first year (or more) of a child's life where you bond with your child. It’s hard to know exactly what the nine months before birth and the first year after birth is really like for babies who are adopted internationally. So, as we have been considering adoption, we have been also talking through and praying about some of our fears as well. It definitely feels a little out of control!
If I had my choice, I think I prefer open adoption. In my not so informed opinion, I think that it would be to the child’s best interest to know where he/she came from. When I say open adoption, I am not talking about co-parenting or necessarily being friends with each other. Each relationship is different and I’m sure there is a lot to negotiate. But, I think it would be good for the birth-mom to know how the child is growing and progressing (if she wants to know), and to have some means of contacting her, if the child grows up and wants to make contact. I have tried my best to put myself in the position of an adopted child and I think I would want to know who my birth-mom is, even if I decide that I don’t want to meet her. I think that having a photo or something of her would make it less mysterious. If I know that I have the option of contacting her, then I would at least feel like the ball is in my court…
If we adopt internationally, my general assumption is that as our child grows up, he/she most likely will want to search for his/her birth-mom or visit the orphanage. My hope is that I would help him/her as much as I am able. I’m sure there will be a tinge of insecurity and nervousness, but really, it’s not about me, but it’s about what is the best for the child. It’s too bad that for the most part, international adoption is closed adoption. However, with embryo adoption, you can choose. Either you can receive embryos from anonymous donors or negotiate open adoption.
I’m sure there are advantages to closed adoption too, especially if the birth-mom or birth-parents are "wackos". But, even if the birth-parents are not to my liking , I think that most kids would be curious to know their origin. When they are of age, they probably would want to decide for themselves whether they think their biological mom or dad are "wackos." Hopefully, we will have a good and healthy relationship with our adopted child so that we could guide him/her in his/her effort to make contact with birth-mom, the embryo doners (not quite sure what to call them), or the orphange.
These are a few of my thoughts about adoption that are still forming in my mind….
Monday, October 29, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
What's the Difference between Donor Eggs and Donor Embryo?
I must admit that it is kind of confusing to understand all the terminology and different kinds of treatment options that are available for infertility. So, I'm going to attempt at clarifying two often mis-understood terms. Many people think they are the same, but actually they are quite different.
Donor Eggs: Our infertility specialist recommended that we use donor eggs due to my poor ovarian reserve. Many infertile women are unable to conceive because their eggs are of poor quality (often due to age), but other times due to factors unknown. The only way that some infertile women could conceive is by finding someone who will donate her eggs. Often, the donors tend to be younger women, in their 20's or early 30's, who out of altruistic reasons or for extra income, donate their eggs to the infertile couple. It is physically demanding process for the donor because she must go through the hormone injections and monitoring in order to produce as many eggs as possible for the infertile woman. The eggs are then retrieved from the donor, fertilized with the sperm of the husband of the infertile woman (or a sperm donor). Once the eggs have been fertilized, then the embryos are transferred back into the infertile woman hoping for successful pregnancy.
When I was in Bombay, there was a couple who had brought their own egg donor all the way from Vietnam. The infertile woman was 45 years old (Vietnames), but the egg donor was only in her mid 20's. So by using another woman's eggs and her husband's sperm, they created several embryos. A couple of the embryos were transferred back to the 45 year old infertile woman and I heard that she was pregnant. They have a few frozen embryos in the clinic in case they want to try to get pregnant again at a later point.
Donor Embryo: As mentioned above, there are many frozen embryos in clinics throughout the U.S. and in other countries. Usually, a couple has the choice of either freezing the remaining embryos for future use, discarding them, or giving them up for research. Many choose to freeze. After some time, some may decide that their family is complete but they still have a few frozen embryos left in the clinic. They must decide on the fate of these extra embryos.
This is where embryo donation/adoption comes in. Rather than destroying these frozen embryos or giving them up for research, some may choose to donate their embryos to other infertile couples. This then gives the embryos a chance at life and infertile couples a chance at becoming parents. The frozen embryos are thawed and then put back into the infertile woman. At this point, the hope is that the embryos would continue to grow and implant inside the infertile woman resulting in live birth.
I don't know whether I have managed to clarify the difference between the two or whether I have created even more confusion.... Donor eggs have been around for some time, but the embryo adoption (embryo donation) is less common. However, I believe it is becoming more common. Paul and I are currently exploring embryo adoption, not donor eggs.
Donor Eggs: Our infertility specialist recommended that we use donor eggs due to my poor ovarian reserve. Many infertile women are unable to conceive because their eggs are of poor quality (often due to age), but other times due to factors unknown. The only way that some infertile women could conceive is by finding someone who will donate her eggs. Often, the donors tend to be younger women, in their 20's or early 30's, who out of altruistic reasons or for extra income, donate their eggs to the infertile couple. It is physically demanding process for the donor because she must go through the hormone injections and monitoring in order to produce as many eggs as possible for the infertile woman. The eggs are then retrieved from the donor, fertilized with the sperm of the husband of the infertile woman (or a sperm donor). Once the eggs have been fertilized, then the embryos are transferred back into the infertile woman hoping for successful pregnancy.
When I was in Bombay, there was a couple who had brought their own egg donor all the way from Vietnam. The infertile woman was 45 years old (Vietnames), but the egg donor was only in her mid 20's. So by using another woman's eggs and her husband's sperm, they created several embryos. A couple of the embryos were transferred back to the 45 year old infertile woman and I heard that she was pregnant. They have a few frozen embryos in the clinic in case they want to try to get pregnant again at a later point.
Donor Embryo: As mentioned above, there are many frozen embryos in clinics throughout the U.S. and in other countries. Usually, a couple has the choice of either freezing the remaining embryos for future use, discarding them, or giving them up for research. Many choose to freeze. After some time, some may decide that their family is complete but they still have a few frozen embryos left in the clinic. They must decide on the fate of these extra embryos.
This is where embryo donation/adoption comes in. Rather than destroying these frozen embryos or giving them up for research, some may choose to donate their embryos to other infertile couples. This then gives the embryos a chance at life and infertile couples a chance at becoming parents. The frozen embryos are thawed and then put back into the infertile woman. At this point, the hope is that the embryos would continue to grow and implant inside the infertile woman resulting in live birth.
I don't know whether I have managed to clarify the difference between the two or whether I have created even more confusion.... Donor eggs have been around for some time, but the embryo adoption (embryo donation) is less common. However, I believe it is becoming more common. Paul and I are currently exploring embryo adoption, not donor eggs.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Narrowing down on options...
I had my parents get in contact with agencies and some friends in Korea to learn more about the possibility of adoption for ex-pats living overseas. They received the same answer. We would have to reside in the States to make it work. Furthermore, due to recent changes in adoption law in Korea, the wait list is pretty long. So, the door to Korea adoption is now closed. If we really want to adopt from Korea and feel strongly God leading us in this direction, I guess we can always go back home, but we don't sense God leading us to go back for a long period of time now to pursue this.
Korea was our first choice, but we also anticipated that it may not work out because we are not in the U.S. Our next preferences are adopting from Kazakhstan or Nepal. We have heard that Kazakh adoption is pretty rigorous so I'll need to do more research and find out exactly how rigorous it is. We have read and heard that the babies in Kazakh are well taken care of and that we can adopt two children simultaneously (if we're up for the challenge). Also, there are lots of Eurasian babies, which is a nice bonus. Nepal is a little easier, but the political situation is quite unstable, so we're not sure what kind of risk we will be taking if we decide to pursue this.
We have considered adopting from India but from what I could gather so far, it is a big pain in the rear and most of the agencies are not accepting new applicants. I have also thought about Mongolia as a potential place... Meanwhile, we continue to explore embryo adoption as well. We'll continue to pray and do our homework and see how God leads.
Korea was our first choice, but we also anticipated that it may not work out because we are not in the U.S. Our next preferences are adopting from Kazakhstan or Nepal. We have heard that Kazakh adoption is pretty rigorous so I'll need to do more research and find out exactly how rigorous it is. We have read and heard that the babies in Kazakh are well taken care of and that we can adopt two children simultaneously (if we're up for the challenge). Also, there are lots of Eurasian babies, which is a nice bonus. Nepal is a little easier, but the political situation is quite unstable, so we're not sure what kind of risk we will be taking if we decide to pursue this.
We have considered adopting from India but from what I could gather so far, it is a big pain in the rear and most of the agencies are not accepting new applicants. I have also thought about Mongolia as a potential place... Meanwhile, we continue to explore embryo adoption as well. We'll continue to pray and do our homework and see how God leads.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Dear friend...
Last night, I wrote an email in response to a sweet email I received from a friend checking in to see how I was doing. I changed some things in the content of my email to make it anonymous, but I wanted to post it in the blog as it captures how I am doing these days. Thanks to all who continue to walk with us in this journey.
Hi Friend,
I really appreciated receiving your email. I can completely understand how you would have felt like you wouldn’t know what to say. And, I understand that even now it’s difficult to know exactly what to say, so please know how much I appreciate you reaching out. I have thought about you and the potential impact my negative result may have had on you, especially as I realized how much you have been praying for us. I am still believing for two children (or more), whether they come through us or through others. I’m sorry that you were so upset and disappointed… however, it tells me how invested you were in the process too. Thank you for caring and hoping so much for me, for us, to the point that you were deeply saddened by the news.
I am doing much better. I needed some time to mourn, grieve, and wrestle with God over my disappointment and prognosis, but these days I am feeling much more at peace. I continue to dialogue with Jesus in my prayer times and throughout the day about my desire for a family, about adoption, my fears, and hopes, but I have not prayed much or dialogued much about having our own biological children. For me, I felt like it was time to move on. If God chooses to gift us with biological children, I would gladly receive the gift. But, I have also come to see and accept that perhaps God would choose to gift us with non-biological children that we can love and become part of our family. I am open to what God has in store for us and we continue to seek Jesus for his guidance.
It has meant that we begin the work of gathering information about adoption. It is a lot of work and I struggle at times with feeling overwhelmed at all the paper work that is involved and the long process I keep hearing about. I sometimes wonder how are we going to do this living over here? But, again, we need to trust that God will guide us each step and I am learning to keep talking with Jesus about it through the whole process. I think the bigger battle lies in believing that Jesus desires what is best for me and trusting in faith that he will guide us in the right direction.
I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. That must have been a scary experience. I can’t imagine how distressed you guys must have been… However, it sounds like God has brought you to a place where you are at peace in him. I’m so grateful to hear that you were reassured and comforted by God. I will be praying that God would grant you a child sometime next year after you have had some time to let your body heal.
It seems that you also feel the same, that God has something bigger than what our eyes can see. This is what I am believing and trusting in that He is and will always work for my good in accordance to His good pleasure. I am trusting that God’s ways, although sometimes do not make any sense, are for me and not against me. I see that the biggest struggle/temptation that Satan puts before me is to think that God is withholding, holding back on what is the best for me. And at times, the temptation is strong, but I am glad that I can go to Jesus and He reassures me that this is a lie and that it is not so. For me, I have found great comfort, encouragement, and faith from reflecting on the love of God shown through the birth and the death of Jesus, the struggling/wrestling he went through as he faced intense suffering and ultimately death—not what he desired necessarily. I am so thankful that I believe in a God who became like one of us, who suffered, was tempted, died, but was victorious. I know that He does really understand my pain, temptations, trials, and that He is able to carry me through all this.
Thanks for sharing your experience and journey toward healing with me. I know that God is continuing to heal me. Although I was heart-broken, He has been healing the broken heart with his deep love for me. It is amazing how God can comfort us in our times of trouble.
I loved the photo you sent of your family!
Lots of love,
Rebecca
Hi Friend,
I really appreciated receiving your email. I can completely understand how you would have felt like you wouldn’t know what to say. And, I understand that even now it’s difficult to know exactly what to say, so please know how much I appreciate you reaching out. I have thought about you and the potential impact my negative result may have had on you, especially as I realized how much you have been praying for us. I am still believing for two children (or more), whether they come through us or through others. I’m sorry that you were so upset and disappointed… however, it tells me how invested you were in the process too. Thank you for caring and hoping so much for me, for us, to the point that you were deeply saddened by the news.
I am doing much better. I needed some time to mourn, grieve, and wrestle with God over my disappointment and prognosis, but these days I am feeling much more at peace. I continue to dialogue with Jesus in my prayer times and throughout the day about my desire for a family, about adoption, my fears, and hopes, but I have not prayed much or dialogued much about having our own biological children. For me, I felt like it was time to move on. If God chooses to gift us with biological children, I would gladly receive the gift. But, I have also come to see and accept that perhaps God would choose to gift us with non-biological children that we can love and become part of our family. I am open to what God has in store for us and we continue to seek Jesus for his guidance.
It has meant that we begin the work of gathering information about adoption. It is a lot of work and I struggle at times with feeling overwhelmed at all the paper work that is involved and the long process I keep hearing about. I sometimes wonder how are we going to do this living over here? But, again, we need to trust that God will guide us each step and I am learning to keep talking with Jesus about it through the whole process. I think the bigger battle lies in believing that Jesus desires what is best for me and trusting in faith that he will guide us in the right direction.
I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. That must have been a scary experience. I can’t imagine how distressed you guys must have been… However, it sounds like God has brought you to a place where you are at peace in him. I’m so grateful to hear that you were reassured and comforted by God. I will be praying that God would grant you a child sometime next year after you have had some time to let your body heal.
It seems that you also feel the same, that God has something bigger than what our eyes can see. This is what I am believing and trusting in that He is and will always work for my good in accordance to His good pleasure. I am trusting that God’s ways, although sometimes do not make any sense, are for me and not against me. I see that the biggest struggle/temptation that Satan puts before me is to think that God is withholding, holding back on what is the best for me. And at times, the temptation is strong, but I am glad that I can go to Jesus and He reassures me that this is a lie and that it is not so. For me, I have found great comfort, encouragement, and faith from reflecting on the love of God shown through the birth and the death of Jesus, the struggling/wrestling he went through as he faced intense suffering and ultimately death—not what he desired necessarily. I am so thankful that I believe in a God who became like one of us, who suffered, was tempted, died, but was victorious. I know that He does really understand my pain, temptations, trials, and that He is able to carry me through all this.
Thanks for sharing your experience and journey toward healing with me. I know that God is continuing to heal me. Although I was heart-broken, He has been healing the broken heart with his deep love for me. It is amazing how God can comfort us in our times of trouble.
I loved the photo you sent of your family!
Lots of love,
Rebecca
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Too many options...
Today, I feel kind of overwhelmed. I've been gathering information about adoption and my gosh...(sigh) there are so many options to choose from in regards to agencies, lawyers, country, and the types of adoption you might want to pursue! I'm trying to gather as much information as I can on all three types of adoption: domestic, international, and embryo. It's a lot of work! I am a strong "j" in the Myers-Briggs personality test, which means I like to have decisions made and closed. Currently I am in the exploring stage, so I'm okay with looking at all the possibilities. But, I know that once I have narrowed down to a few options I like, I will want to make a decision quickly. Hopefully my husband will be ready too. He's a "p" who likes things a little more open ended. I'm trying to be as thorough as I can in my research so that when it's time to make that decision, we would both be ready to do it together and feel good about it.... But, it means learning as much as I can now. I know I said this already but it's a lot of work! Our hope is that at the end it would be worth all the work and hassle! :)
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Korea Adoption?
If we were to pursue international adoption, we are leaning toward adopting from Korea. Since we're living in another country right now and being a bi-racial couple, I'm not sure whether I'm up for the challenge of adding another culture on top of what we have currently going. But, perhaps that might be just what God may have in store for us. I'm open but my preference is to adopt from Korea, if possible. My feeling is that the kid would at least look like one of the parents and will blend in fine here. Also, if we ever return back to the States, he/she would have cousins, uncles and aunts with whom he/she can relate with culturally and ethnically. I wonder if it would provide some continuity for the child and everyone involved.
However, as I have been doing my research, I am learning that because I live overseas, Korea adoption may not be possible. I have yet to find an agency that is willing to work with overseas ex-pats. Although I qualify for the Korean heritage program (from Dillon Adoption Agency) which gives priority to Korean-Americans in adopting from Korea, we were informed that the agencies from Korea do not approve ex-pats living overseas. I need to find out more, but this is the response I have been getting. I haven't given up yet, but maybe Korea may end up not being a viable option for us.
If Korea adoption is not possible, I'm not sure from where we would adopt. I'm a little hesitant about adopting from where we are mainly because I'm concerned that the kid would grow up feeling rejected from his/own people because of us. I'm afraid that the the people here may not fully accept him/her because he/she has foreigners as parents. I think if I was living in the States, I don't think it would be of a huge concern, but I do wonder what it would be like for the child as he/she grows up in this context.
I'm still exploring embryo adoption and I am fascinated by the idea. The biggest concern is how would I feel if it failed? A part of me feels like if we get a good match, maybe it would be worth giving it a try. It just feels like the simplest solution.
However, as I have been doing my research, I am learning that because I live overseas, Korea adoption may not be possible. I have yet to find an agency that is willing to work with overseas ex-pats. Although I qualify for the Korean heritage program (from Dillon Adoption Agency) which gives priority to Korean-Americans in adopting from Korea, we were informed that the agencies from Korea do not approve ex-pats living overseas. I need to find out more, but this is the response I have been getting. I haven't given up yet, but maybe Korea may end up not being a viable option for us.
If Korea adoption is not possible, I'm not sure from where we would adopt. I'm a little hesitant about adopting from where we are mainly because I'm concerned that the kid would grow up feeling rejected from his/own people because of us. I'm afraid that the the people here may not fully accept him/her because he/she has foreigners as parents. I think if I was living in the States, I don't think it would be of a huge concern, but I do wonder what it would be like for the child as he/she grows up in this context.
I'm still exploring embryo adoption and I am fascinated by the idea. The biggest concern is how would I feel if it failed? A part of me feels like if we get a good match, maybe it would be worth giving it a try. It just feels like the simplest solution.
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