Dear friend...

Last night, I wrote an email in response to a sweet email I received from a friend checking in to see how I was doing. I changed some things in the content of my email to make it anonymous, but I wanted to post it in the blog as it captures how I am doing these days. Thanks to all who continue to walk with us in this journey.

Hi Friend,

I really appreciated receiving your email. I can completely understand how you would have felt like you wouldn’t know what to say. And, I understand that even now it’s difficult to know exactly what to say, so please know how much I appreciate you reaching out. I have thought about you and the potential impact my negative result may have had on you, especially as I realized how much you have been praying for us. I am still believing for two children (or more), whether they come through us or through others. I’m sorry that you were so upset and disappointed… however, it tells me how invested you were in the process too. Thank you for caring and hoping so much for me, for us, to the point that you were deeply saddened by the news.

I am doing much better. I needed some time to mourn, grieve, and wrestle with God over my disappointment and prognosis, but these days I am feeling much more at peace. I continue to dialogue with Jesus in my prayer times and throughout the day about my desire for a family, about adoption, my fears, and hopes, but I have not prayed much or dialogued much about having our own biological children. For me, I felt like it was time to move on. If God chooses to gift us with biological children, I would gladly receive the gift. But, I have also come to see and accept that perhaps God would choose to gift us with non-biological children that we can love and become part of our family. I am open to what God has in store for us and we continue to seek Jesus for his guidance.

It has meant that we begin the work of gathering information about adoption. It is a lot of work and I struggle at times with feeling overwhelmed at all the paper work that is involved and the long process I keep hearing about. I sometimes wonder how are we going to do this living over here? But, again, we need to trust that God will guide us each step and I am learning to keep talking with Jesus about it through the whole process. I think the bigger battle lies in believing that Jesus desires what is best for me and trusting in faith that he will guide us in the right direction.

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. That must have been a scary experience. I can’t imagine how distressed you guys must have been… However, it sounds like God has brought you to a place where you are at peace in him. I’m so grateful to hear that you were reassured and comforted by God. I will be praying that God would grant you a child sometime next year after you have had some time to let your body heal.

It seems that you also feel the same, that God has something bigger than what our eyes can see. This is what I am believing and trusting in that He is and will always work for my good in accordance to His good pleasure. I am trusting that God’s ways, although sometimes do not make any sense, are for me and not against me. I see that the biggest struggle/temptation that Satan puts before me is to think that God is withholding, holding back on what is the best for me. And at times, the temptation is strong, but I am glad that I can go to Jesus and He reassures me that this is a lie and that it is not so. For me, I have found great comfort, encouragement, and faith from reflecting on the love of God shown through the birth and the death of Jesus, the struggling/wrestling he went through as he faced intense suffering and ultimately death—not what he desired necessarily. I am so thankful that I believe in a God who became like one of us, who suffered, was tempted, died, but was victorious. I know that He does really understand my pain, temptations, trials, and that He is able to carry me through all this.

Thanks for sharing your experience and journey toward healing with me. I know that God is continuing to heal me. Although I was heart-broken, He has been healing the broken heart with his deep love for me. It is amazing how God can comfort us in our times of trouble.

I loved the photo you sent of your family!

Lots of love,
Rebecca