A few days ago I received the result of my clomid challenge test result. Basically, it confirmed the fact that I have diminished ovarian reserve. I have not reached a complete failure, but my eggs are of low quantity and quality. I sent our specialist the test results and asked him for his analysis. His response was what I mentioned above. I asked a specialist in San Diego for his second opinion. Based on my medical records and track record, he felt that I had maybe 5-10% chance at conception using my own eggs per IVF cycle. With donor eggs, he said there is 75-80% per cycle. So, it is confirmed that my eggs are no good.
My specialist shared that perhaps I should consider maybe trying DHEA (testostrone) for three months and IVF again. There is a buzz going around in the world of infertility treatment that DHEA has shown to improve egg quality and quantity. The long term effect of the drug is unknown as it is a very new discovery but it seems to be helping some women. He sent us an article from a recent study that was conducted and although the average showed increase in egg production, it didn't mention how many actually resulted in pregnancy.
My husband and I have been wondering whether we should give this a try or let it rest. I am feeling somewhat weary and I don't know whether I want to reopen this door again. I am feeling pretty ready to let the hope of conception using my eggs lay to rest. It is hard to keep this door cracked open. There are other options like adoption, embryo donation, and donor eggs if we really want to pursue parenthood. At this point, I would rather close the door and basically accept the body God has given me. In some ways the test result was another closure I needed to move forward. I feel like God can open the door if He chooses to since He created Jesus with no sperm (maybe he used Mary's egg). If He chooses to He can create a baby for us without DHEA or with my crabby eggs. But, I don't feel excited at the idea of taking more drugs, getting more shots, and going through the roller coaster of emotions all over again.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Incredible Peace
**This entry may sound a little black and white as it is difficult to explain my experience concisely. **
This was the first. I had never experienced anything like it before. A couple of days ago, I was feeling frustrated, angry, and just tired of struggling with infertility. Since I am an external processor, either I have to write down my thoughts or talk to someone. I was not feeling the mood to write down my thoughts, so I was griping to my husband about how miserable and confused I was feeling. (Poor guy!) I was wrestling and struggling with a lot of fear about the future. Fears about adoption, fears about growing old without children and grandchildren, fears about spending thousands of dollars on adoption and getting screwed, fears about our adopted kids not adjusting well and being resentful--fear basically took over my heart. As I talked more I realized that although I was spending most of my energy trying to pray and figure out the next steps, I was stuck because fundamentally I felt like God had given me the raw deal. I was afraid that God will give me the short end of the stick no matter what.
The incredible part is that as I was talking, I suddenly felt this peace come over me like I had never experienced. Suddenly, I didn't feel afraid. Suddenly, I was not feeling so angsted about my predicament. Then, I heard a still small voice in my heart, "This is when trust matters. This is what trusting is all about." I felt peace literally overtake me with immediate dissipation of fear. It was this peace that surpassed all understanding and difficult to describe.
This peace continues on today. I can talk and think about my options and our potential next steps without the anxiety, without the fears, and without the angst.... I kept thinking about the song, "It is well." I copied the lyrics to the song:
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
(Refrain) It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
Thank you, Jesus for this peace.
This was the first. I had never experienced anything like it before. A couple of days ago, I was feeling frustrated, angry, and just tired of struggling with infertility. Since I am an external processor, either I have to write down my thoughts or talk to someone. I was not feeling the mood to write down my thoughts, so I was griping to my husband about how miserable and confused I was feeling. (Poor guy!) I was wrestling and struggling with a lot of fear about the future. Fears about adoption, fears about growing old without children and grandchildren, fears about spending thousands of dollars on adoption and getting screwed, fears about our adopted kids not adjusting well and being resentful--fear basically took over my heart. As I talked more I realized that although I was spending most of my energy trying to pray and figure out the next steps, I was stuck because fundamentally I felt like God had given me the raw deal. I was afraid that God will give me the short end of the stick no matter what.
The incredible part is that as I was talking, I suddenly felt this peace come over me like I had never experienced. Suddenly, I didn't feel afraid. Suddenly, I was not feeling so angsted about my predicament. Then, I heard a still small voice in my heart, "This is when trust matters. This is what trusting is all about." I felt peace literally overtake me with immediate dissipation of fear. It was this peace that surpassed all understanding and difficult to describe.
This peace continues on today. I can talk and think about my options and our potential next steps without the anxiety, without the fears, and without the angst.... I kept thinking about the song, "It is well." I copied the lyrics to the song:
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
(Refrain) It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
Thank you, Jesus for this peace.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Clomid Challenge Test
Our IVF specialist had recommended that I take what is called a Clomid Challenge Test. After our second failed IVF, I had asked him if there was any way to know for certain that I would not be able to conceive using my own eggs. He said I should do the Clomid Challenge and I will know for certain if I have an ovarian failure. I decided that I would wait a couple of months for my body to completely get back to its normal state after being on fertility drugs. I decided to do it this cycle. Two days ago (which is my day 3 of my cycle) I went and got my blood drawn for FSH level. Today, I began taking clomid (100mg) and I will for four more days. Then, I go in again to get my blood drawn to test for my FSH level. Basically, when I add the two FSH levels and the sum is 20 or greater it means I have an ovarian failure. At this point, doctors usually do not do IVF for their patients but advise them to go directly to egg donation. Hopefully, this test result will provide the information that I need. For those of you who want to know more about the clomid challenge, you can read further below. I found this information on a website.
The clomiphene citrate (Clomid) challenge test (CCCT) is a sensitive means to measure ovarian reserve and is often conducted if the FSH level is 10-15 mIU/mL or the E2 is >65 pg/mL The Clomid Challenge Test is routinely performed at our clinic in women aged 38 years or older regardless of how the cycle day 3 levels look. This will identify patients with incipient ovarian dysfunction.
The Clomid challenge test should also be considered in women of any age with otherwise unexplained infertility as approximately 30% will show abnormalities that adversely impact their prognosis with fertility treatment.
Ovarian reserve, along with female patient age, is an important predictor of treatment success. The Clomid Challenge Test is Conducted as Follows:
Patients call the office on Day 1 of the menstrual flow (not spotting). If this is on the weekend, please call Monday morning.
Patients will come into the office to have blood drawn for an E2 (Estradiol) level and FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone level) on Day 2, 3 or 4 of the menses (period).
Patients begin Clomid -100 mg per day on Day 5 of menses. This will be two tablets, 50mg each, which are taken together at the same time each day.
Tablets are taken on cycle Days 5-9, and patients return to the office on cycle Day 10 or 11 (after 5 days of Clomid). The FSH level will be repeated on Day 10 or 11.
A level from 10-12.5 mIU/mL predicts resistance to fertility medications and a diminished prognosis. At 12.5-15 mIU/mL, the prognosis is poor but pregnancies do occur with aggressive treatment. Levels greater than 15 mIU/mL indicate that infertility treatment with the patient’s own eggs is not likely to succeed and that egg donation should be offered. Patients with any FSH level greater than 10 mIU/mL should be referred to a fertility specialist for further evaluation.
A poor Clomid challenge test indicates that it is unlikely that the couple will be successful using in vitro fertilization, IVF. Some clinics do not offer IVF to couples failing the CCCT test and others offer it but clearly explain the poor chance of success. Donor egg IVF is the best option for these couples.
The clomiphene citrate (Clomid) challenge test (CCCT) is a sensitive means to measure ovarian reserve and is often conducted if the FSH level is 10-15 mIU/mL or the E2 is >65 pg/mL The Clomid Challenge Test is routinely performed at our clinic in women aged 38 years or older regardless of how the cycle day 3 levels look. This will identify patients with incipient ovarian dysfunction.
The Clomid challenge test should also be considered in women of any age with otherwise unexplained infertility as approximately 30% will show abnormalities that adversely impact their prognosis with fertility treatment.
Ovarian reserve, along with female patient age, is an important predictor of treatment success. The Clomid Challenge Test is Conducted as Follows:
Patients call the office on Day 1 of the menstrual flow (not spotting). If this is on the weekend, please call Monday morning.
Patients will come into the office to have blood drawn for an E2 (Estradiol) level and FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone level) on Day 2, 3 or 4 of the menses (period).
Patients begin Clomid -100 mg per day on Day 5 of menses. This will be two tablets, 50mg each, which are taken together at the same time each day.
Tablets are taken on cycle Days 5-9, and patients return to the office on cycle Day 10 or 11 (after 5 days of Clomid). The FSH level will be repeated on Day 10 or 11.
A level from 10-12.5 mIU/mL predicts resistance to fertility medications and a diminished prognosis. At 12.5-15 mIU/mL, the prognosis is poor but pregnancies do occur with aggressive treatment. Levels greater than 15 mIU/mL indicate that infertility treatment with the patient’s own eggs is not likely to succeed and that egg donation should be offered. Patients with any FSH level greater than 10 mIU/mL should be referred to a fertility specialist for further evaluation.
A poor Clomid challenge test indicates that it is unlikely that the couple will be successful using in vitro fertilization, IVF. Some clinics do not offer IVF to couples failing the CCCT test and others offer it but clearly explain the poor chance of success. Donor egg IVF is the best option for these couples.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Continuing in the journey
For the last two months we had been pursuing embryo donation. We were in dialogue with a donor couple when the process ended abruptly with them pulling out. Even though it was a little shocking and disappointing, we are actually at peace with the result. We began feeling a little doubtful and uneasy so we received it as God's answer to my prayers, "Lord, if this is not from you, please pull the plug because I am in no emotional state to walk away."
But, it leaves us in a quandary. What is next? I'm not sure. We were ready to pursue international adoption and even had picked out a country and agency we wanted to use. But now we're feeling like we want to take a little break (although I'm not sure how as it tends to always be on my mind). We're both feeling like we need some space to think through what it is that we really want. Our ministry life has also been very full lately with many good opportunities with new ones on the horizon. I think it has made us consider again the idea of possibly choosing to live the childless life. We feel like we need some time to discern what the best choice for us is. As we prayed about all this, we don’t feel that Jesus has led us a specifically one way or the other. It seems that adoption and being childless are both good, God pleasing options. So in many ways it seems to be a process of figuring out what we really want. However, I also feel tired. I’m not sure how much emotional energy I have to keep pouring into this, all the while living in a state of limbo.
I don't know if a lot of women wrestle with this but I have found myself wrestling with this a lot. There is a lot of "womanhood" tied to child rearing and having a family. I have struggled at times wondering if something is wrong with me because I don't have this driving desire that says “No matter what, I must become a mom!” I have heard about women who do IVF for 11 or 12 cycles and pursue all sorts of routes to become parents. If you are like this, I respect your decision, but I know that I am not. But then I have had my bouts of guilt for feeling like I don't have a strong enough desire. I feel like there is a standard in our society that says there can’t be anything more satisfying than being a parent. This journey has definitely forced me to think more about my identity as woman. I appreciate that my husband is so affirming about who I am and the way God has wired me. I need to be reminded once in a while that God has created me as I am....
I feel like it is hard to explain sometimes what goes in my mind. If someone were to ask, "Do you want kids?" I would definitely answer, "Yes." But, if they were to ask, “Do you really want to adopt?” my answer would be, "I'm not sure. I would I need to think about it."
I'm not sure what is next for us except to continue in this journey and to trust that God will lead us to our destination.
But, it leaves us in a quandary. What is next? I'm not sure. We were ready to pursue international adoption and even had picked out a country and agency we wanted to use. But now we're feeling like we want to take a little break (although I'm not sure how as it tends to always be on my mind). We're both feeling like we need some space to think through what it is that we really want. Our ministry life has also been very full lately with many good opportunities with new ones on the horizon. I think it has made us consider again the idea of possibly choosing to live the childless life. We feel like we need some time to discern what the best choice for us is. As we prayed about all this, we don’t feel that Jesus has led us a specifically one way or the other. It seems that adoption and being childless are both good, God pleasing options. So in many ways it seems to be a process of figuring out what we really want. However, I also feel tired. I’m not sure how much emotional energy I have to keep pouring into this, all the while living in a state of limbo.
I don't know if a lot of women wrestle with this but I have found myself wrestling with this a lot. There is a lot of "womanhood" tied to child rearing and having a family. I have struggled at times wondering if something is wrong with me because I don't have this driving desire that says “No matter what, I must become a mom!” I have heard about women who do IVF for 11 or 12 cycles and pursue all sorts of routes to become parents. If you are like this, I respect your decision, but I know that I am not. But then I have had my bouts of guilt for feeling like I don't have a strong enough desire. I feel like there is a standard in our society that says there can’t be anything more satisfying than being a parent. This journey has definitely forced me to think more about my identity as woman. I appreciate that my husband is so affirming about who I am and the way God has wired me. I need to be reminded once in a while that God has created me as I am....
I feel like it is hard to explain sometimes what goes in my mind. If someone were to ask, "Do you want kids?" I would definitely answer, "Yes." But, if they were to ask, “Do you really want to adopt?” my answer would be, "I'm not sure. I would I need to think about it."
I'm not sure what is next for us except to continue in this journey and to trust that God will lead us to our destination.
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