Continuing in the journey

For the last two months we had been pursuing embryo donation. We were in dialogue with a donor couple when the process ended abruptly with them pulling out. Even though it was a little shocking and disappointing, we are actually at peace with the result. We began feeling a little doubtful and uneasy so we received it as God's answer to my prayers, "Lord, if this is not from you, please pull the plug because I am in no emotional state to walk away."

But, it leaves us in a quandary. What is next? I'm not sure. We were ready to pursue international adoption and even had picked out a country and agency we wanted to use. But now we're feeling like we want to take a little break (although I'm not sure how as it tends to always be on my mind). We're both feeling like we need some space to think through what it is that we really want. Our ministry life has also been very full lately with many good opportunities with new ones on the horizon. I think it has made us consider again the idea of possibly choosing to live the childless life. We feel like we need some time to discern what the best choice for us is. As we prayed about all this, we don’t feel that Jesus has led us a specifically one way or the other. It seems that adoption and being childless are both good, God pleasing options. So in many ways it seems to be a process of figuring out what we really want. However, I also feel tired. I’m not sure how much emotional energy I have to keep pouring into this, all the while living in a state of limbo.

I don't know if a lot of women wrestle with this but I have found myself wrestling with this a lot. There is a lot of "womanhood" tied to child rearing and having a family. I have struggled at times wondering if something is wrong with me because I don't have this driving desire that says “No matter what, I must become a mom!” I have heard about women who do IVF for 11 or 12 cycles and pursue all sorts of routes to become parents. If you are like this, I respect your decision, but I know that I am not. But then I have had my bouts of guilt for feeling like I don't have a strong enough desire. I feel like there is a standard in our society that says there can’t be anything more satisfying than being a parent. This journey has definitely forced me to think more about my identity as woman. I appreciate that my husband is so affirming about who I am and the way God has wired me. I need to be reminded once in a while that God has created me as I am....

I feel like it is hard to explain sometimes what goes in my mind. If someone were to ask, "Do you want kids?" I would definitely answer, "Yes." But, if they were to ask, “Do you really want to adopt?” my answer would be, "I'm not sure. I would I need to think about it."

I'm not sure what is next for us except to continue in this journey and to trust that God will lead us to our destination.