Incredible Peace

**This entry may sound a little black and white as it is difficult to explain my experience concisely. **

This was the first. I had never experienced anything like it before. A couple of days ago, I was feeling frustrated, angry, and just tired of struggling with infertility. Since I am an external processor, either I have to write down my thoughts or talk to someone. I was not feeling the mood to write down my thoughts, so I was griping to my husband about how miserable and confused I was feeling. (Poor guy!) I was wrestling and struggling with a lot of fear about the future. Fears about adoption, fears about growing old without children and grandchildren, fears about spending thousands of dollars on adoption and getting screwed, fears about our adopted kids not adjusting well and being resentful--fear basically took over my heart. As I talked more I realized that although I was spending most of my energy trying to pray and figure out the next steps, I was stuck because fundamentally I felt like God had given me the raw deal. I was afraid that God will give me the short end of the stick no matter what.

The incredible part is that as I was talking, I suddenly felt this peace come over me like I had never experienced. Suddenly, I didn't feel afraid. Suddenly, I was not feeling so angsted about my predicament. Then, I heard a still small voice in my heart, "This is when trust matters. This is what trusting is all about." I felt peace literally overtake me with immediate dissipation of fear. It was this peace that surpassed all understanding and difficult to describe.

This peace continues on today. I can talk and think about my options and our potential next steps without the anxiety, without the fears, and without the angst.... I kept thinking about the song, "It is well." I copied the lyrics to the song:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

(Refrain) It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Thank you, Jesus for this peace.